I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
