I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
