I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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