Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
