So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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