Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
