I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
