the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
