But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
