my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just want nice things and good sex
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
