it was like his penis was on wheels.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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