Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
