It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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