There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people