now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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