hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.