she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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