I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
need another drink. this is the easiest way
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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