you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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