i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
only you would photoshop your dick
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
