i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Shame is for Republicans.
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