You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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