So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
