We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
