i need an iv and a liver transplant
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
