she woke up with a sticky ear
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You took a bar mat shot.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
