I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
