I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
