If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
