I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
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