When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
