i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
