watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
