No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
