ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
