I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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