You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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