I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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