First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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