he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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