You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I smell stomach acid.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We talked him into tasing himself.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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