I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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