I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
