Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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