woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
