you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
