Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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