The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
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Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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