The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
