i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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