Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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