I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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