My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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