did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
