I accidentally had phone sex last night
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
