I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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