Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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