Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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